How to learn to say "no" and where is the line between self-care and selfishness

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Explained by Viktoryia Sidarovich, a psychologist and lecturer of the "Inner Strength" course at the educational hub "Nation of Leaders".

You can now sign up for the free online course "Inner Strength". Registration will last until March 29, and classes will begin on March 30. The course is designed for three weeks.

"Have you tried to take at least three concrete steps before giving up?"

How to feel your true desires? How to formulate them?

If you are doing "everything right" but feel an inner emptiness and constant fatigue — this is the main marker that you are not on your own path.

To feel what's yours, you first need to turn off the "noise" of others' advice. You can try the exercise "What if everything is possible?". If you had infinite money and everyone around you supported you, what would you do on Tuesday at 11 AM?

But here you need to understand that getting to know yourself is a gradual process. First, you will realize that you don't like coffee and will ask for green tea instead. Then – you'll see yourself in the mirror and decide to wear that skirt today that has been hanging in the closet for a hundred years doing nothing because it's "too bright," and only after that everything else.

Where to find inner strength to change your life for the better?

Inner strength is often imagined as a huge reservoir that needs to be "found" somewhere or "opened" within oneself with one powerful movement. But in reality, it's more like muscles that are built up gradually.

The greatest leakage of strength occurs when we try to justify to ourselves what we don't like. When we admit that we are not in our place and that it makes us feel bad, we stop expending energy on maintaining an illusion. This admission becomes the first point of support.

Strength is also often found in accepting one's vulnerability. When we allow ourselves to be tired, to cry, or to ask for help, we don't become weaker; we simply give our psyche time to reboot.

Is inner strength always about something unusual?

Not at all. Often we wait for inspiration to change everything at once, but strength is born in the process of action.

If you've decided to change your life, don't look for strength for the entire journey; find strength just for today: make one call, write one page, walk for 15 minutes. Every promise kept to yourself replenishes your account of inner confidence.

What is more important for changes — inspiration or consistency?

Inspiration is a spark; it helps to start, but only consistency allows the fire to burn for a long time. If you have a system, you no longer depend on changing moods and can move in a given direction, even if you stumble along the way.

Павялічыць

Inner strength is not the absence of fear or fatigue, but the ability to move forward with your fear, knowing that you are your most important support.

How to distinguish the real lack of opportunities from the internal belief that nothing will work out anyway?

Reality consists of facts that we cannot change right now: the laws of physics, the weather, or the past. Everything else is the zone of our hypotheses.

A belief is when the facts are not yet present, but the verdict has already been rendered. For example, if you say: "I can't change jobs because there's a crisis now," this would be a belief. However, if you've sent 50 resumes and received 50 rejections with specific reasons — these are already facts you can work with. The main criterion: have you tried to take at least three concrete steps before giving up?

"Every 'yes' you say against your will is a 'no' said to yourself"

Sometimes people say that "no" is the hardest word to say. Why is it so difficult?

It's about our fear of being rejected, because evolutionarily, being outside the "pack" meant death. Today, we fear not physical death, but social isolation. We are afraid that after our "no," we will lose connection with the person, become "bad," or unsuitable.

How to learn to say "no"?

Start with small things: for example, decline an invitation to a meeting you really don't want to attend. Don't explain your refusal at length. Both you and the people around you should get used to the idea that your unwillingness is already a valid reason not to do something.

The main thing is to understand: every "yes" you say against your will is a "no" said to yourself, your time, and your health. Therefore, by saying "no" to others, you are saying "yes" to yourself.

We are not responsible for others' feelings if our refusal was polite.

In general, is the desire to please people evil?

It's not evil, but a natural socialization mechanism; the question is the price. This desire becomes bad when you start betraying your values for someone else's smile.

If you please everyone but yourself, it's a trap. But if you are ready for the fact that some people might not like you, and this does not destroy your self-esteem, the desire to please people is a perfectly good thing.

What is true self-care and care for your needs?

True self-care is the ability to be both a caring mother and a wise teacher to oneself. It's like the behavior of a wise adult towards themselves: doing what will be beneficial in the long run, even if it requires effort now.

Self-care is not always pleasant. Sometimes it's about going to bed on time, making an appointment with a doctor you fear, or ending relationships that drag you down.

Where is the line between self-care and selfishness?

Selfishness is when you expect others to sacrifice themselves for your comfort. Healthy selfishness, which is actually the norm, is when you manage your own life and resources without letting others take advantage of you. It is the foundation for true self-care.

Павялічыць

If you live the way you want, without interfering with others — everything is great, you haven't crossed the line.

"It's important to remember: people don't read our minds"

There's a lot of talk now about personal boundaries, how important it is to protect them. Where should one start with this?

The most important and at the same time difficult thing in this is defining where these boundaries actually lie. Without knowing this, it's simply impossible to declare your boundaries, let alone protect them. Therefore, the first thing to do is to draw a map of your inner world and determine where and how these boundaries exist on it.

Start by observing your body. If, in a conversation with someone, you feel a lump in your throat, tension in your shoulders, or irritation — this is a signal that your boundaries have just been violated. State it immediately: "I don't like discussing this," "You can't talk to me in that tone." This will be the first step towards understanding yourself and your boundaries.

Who is more responsible for violating personal boundaries — the one who does it, or the one who failed to articulate them correctly, to show them to another person?

Everyone "feels their way" to the limits of what is permissible in relationships. It's important to remember: people don't read our minds. We all grew up in different families with different rules, and what is normal for one person can be a rude intrusion into another's life. Therefore, you are responsible for providing others with "instructions" on how to interact with you. What is always allowed, what is only allowed under certain conditions, and what is never allowed.

If you remain silent, pretending that everything is fine, or get offended and angry without engaging in conversation and explaining to the person the reasons for your state, without giving them any information about what they did wrong and what changes you want in their behavior — then there's seemingly nothing to expect in terms of respect for your boundaries. In this case, you are responsible for your accumulated discomfort inside.

On the other hand, being an adult means having empathy and respect. If a person sees that you have shut down, changed your tone, or looked away, it's their responsibility to notice this and stop. And if you have already explicitly said: "I don't like discussing this," — and the person continues to push — then all responsibility for the violation falls on them. This is no longer an accident, but conscious disrespect.

The healthiest interaction looks like this: I take responsibility for articulating my boundary calmly and clearly, and the other person takes responsibility for hearing me and adjusting their behavior.

Can there be an excess in the matter of boundaries? For example, can one protect them too strongly?

Yes, and this often happens when a person is just starting to deal with them, having been silent and patient for a long time, and then "it burst." Then boundaries turn into a concrete fence with barbed wire. This looks like constant aggression and anticipation of attack.

Healthy boundaries are like skin: they don't let infection through, but they allow us to feel touch and warmth. They should be flexible so that we can let loved ones and love into our lives.

Павялічыць

An important example of boundary violation is tactless questions like "how much do you earn?", "when will you have children already?" and so on. Can one develop some principle for interacting with them?

The best principle in such a situation is not to justify yourself. You can answer with a counter-question: "Why are you asking?", "Why do you need this information?". Or simply: "I'm not ready to discuss this topic, let's talk about something else." You have no obligation to feed someone else's curiosity with your life.

To understand these questions, sign up for the free online course "Inner Strength" from the educational hub "Nation of Leaders". This is a course where you will be helped to build a life in accordance with your values and needs. You will understand how to find a source of inner strength within yourself, manage the protection of your boundaries, and finally learn to say "no" without hurting later.

The course will begin on March 30 and will last for three weeks.

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