"Months in the cabin, neglected myself. And started asking: maybe my wife will work too?". Why emigration breaks up families and what to do to fix everything
He has been working as a long-haul truck driver for five years, living in the cabin for months, eating poorly, gaining weight, and, as he writes, "looks like a freak." Money, he admits, has long ceased to be a means and become an end. She, for five years, never returned to work: first postpartum depression, then household chores, children, life between the bedroom and the kitchen.
Emigration is a difficult trial. Illustrative photo: Nasha Niva
There seems to be money in the family, but no relief. Instead, there's a feeling of being trapped, where one pulls the finances, the other — the house and children, and both gradually lose the joy of life.
We asked psychotherapist Natallia Skibskaya to analyze the case of such a family — and talked about why emigration so often exacerbates family conflicts and what can help when a family starts to fall apart under the pressure of emigration.
Natallia Skibskaya. Photo from the expert's personal archive
Emigration as a stress test for the family
This story was shared on social media. The family has been living in the USA for over five years. The man immediately went to work as a long-haul truck driver after moving — as it was the fastest way to start earning. The woman gave birth to two children, faced postpartum depression, and never returned to work. Now the children are growing up, school is ahead, and the man increasingly feels that financial responsibility for years to come has been definitively fixed on him alone.
The situation sparked a heated discussion, as many found it familiar.
According to Natallia, in this story, it's important to see not only the man's fatigue but also the general background against which everything is happening.
According to her, the family most likely did not have a significant reserve of resources at the start. They arrived in a new country and immediately had to "take root in this soil" — without close ones nearby, without help with children, without the opportunity to lean on anyone. In such conditions, both partners are not so much living as surviving.
"The man did not come to his job out of interest or desire. He went into it out of necessity — because he had to earn money quickly. And when a person does something for a long time not because they want to, but because they "have to," it contributes to burnout.
Especially when there are no other supports around, and the entire family system is sustained by a state of constant tension. The woman, in turn, was left alone with two small children," says the psychotherapist.
In online discussions, such stories often quickly reduce to a simple scheme: there is one who "brings in money" and one who "doesn't want to go to work." But the expert suggests looking at the situation differently: "The family is surviving: both him and his wife. And they are under great stress in another country."
When people live for a long time in a mode of constant adaptation, expenses, bills, fatigue, and lack of sleep, they stop seeing each other as partners. Only functions remain before them: one earns, the other maintains life.
And in such a system, an internal calculation very quickly begins: who is more tired, who sacrificed more, who actually bears the main burden. It is here that mutual resentment begins to be born.
The model where one partner earns entirely, and the other is entirely responsible for children and household, is not inherently doomed to fail. But only if it truly suits both.
"People can agree, but it might not suit them — their characters, their ideas about family life. A person can sincerely promise to live a certain way because they want to be with their partner, believe they can manage. But then it turns out that this role is not organic for them. They will constantly be dissatisfied, they will constantly experience frustration," notes Natallia.
Hence — accumulated grievances, internal irritation, a feeling of being trapped. Emigration often acts as a catalyst here.
Illustrative photo: social media
"The man may not understand"
Separately, the expert draws attention to how the wife is portrayed in this story. According to Natallia, the man doesn't fully understand what his partner is going through.
Life in a new country with two small children, without relatives or help, with a husband constantly on trips — is already a difficult ordeal in itself. Therefore, postpartum depression in this case looks entirely realistic, and the subsequent five years at home are not about "doing nothing" but about constant burden.
"She may have great insecurity: we know nothing about her education, language, or work experience in the USA — what can she lean on? Therefore, what looks like an unwillingness to go to work could be something entirely different — a fear of not coping," says the expert.
At the same time, Natallia Skibskaya notes, another layer is felt in this case — devaluation:
"There's a feeling that he slightly devalues his wife's work. But this is actually very common: many people think that everything happens on its own. If there are household appliances at home — seemingly there's no work.
It is precisely from such invisibility of others' work that mutual resentment often arises: one is convinced that they carry everything, the other — that their contribution is simply not recognized.
In such conditions, a conversation about "fair redistribution" of roles quickly turns into a conflict — about recognition, respect, and the visibility of each person's contribution. Because household work and childcare are still often perceived as self-evident.
But in reality, none of this happens on its own. And if one of the partners doesn't see this — conflict becomes almost inevitable," states Natallia Skibskaya.
Responsibility for oneself
With all empathy for the hero of this story, Natallia reminds that the man is responsible for his own life: okay, you're tired, you've lost yourself, you've neglected your health — but who chooses what you eat, whether you move at all, whether you leave yourself at least a minimum of space for self-care?
This does not negate the complexity of his situation. But it also does not allow him to completely shift responsibility for his physical condition onto his wife, work, or circumstances.
According to the expert, even in a very rigid schedule, there is a zone of choice: what to buy for a snack, how to organize stops, whether it's possible to take fewer orders if the regime is already destroying health. In this sense, one of the key moments is not only to acknowledge one's fatigue but also to reclaim at least some subjectivity. Otherwise, a person gradually begins to live with the feeling that "everything happened" to them, and they decide nothing themselves. And this is a very dangerous state — both for the psyche and for relationships.
The most common cause of divorce in emigration
According to Natallia, similar scenarios are very typical for emigration. Isolation, fatigue, imbalance of roles, absence of familiar social ties, the need to start from scratch, loss of social status, the feeling of "I am no longer the person I used to be" — all this strongly impacts relationships.
According to the expert, moving very rarely "restarts" relationships from a clean slate. Much more often, it simply exposes all the contradictions that were hidden before. That is why couples often say: in Belarus, everything was normal, but after moving, everything fell apart. In fact, says Natallia, problems might have existed earlier — they just didn't seem so threatening in a more stable environment.
"The contradictions that might have existed in the couple before become much more evident against the background of adaptation stress in emigration. It's no longer possible to ignore them. And if the husband and wife also adapt at different speeds, a desynchronization arises: one seems to be somewhat rooted in the new life, while the other is not yet standing on their feet at all. Sometimes it's the other way around: both are doing badly at the same time. And then no one has anyone to lean on," notes the expert.
This, according to Natallia, is one of the most common reasons for breakups in emigration. People simply cannot withstand the cumulative stress of adaptation. It's especially difficult when there are children in the family. Because then the crisis is experienced not by two, but by an entire system. And the more people in it, the harder it is to keep everyone together.
For a family to hold together, at some point there must be at least one person to lean on.
"If this changes: today you, tomorrow me, the day after tomorrow you again — then everything can still be endured," Natallia emphasizes.
Separately, the expert draws attention to another thing: in forced emigration, the search for a culprit is often added to the domestic and financial tension.
In her practice, cases are not uncommon where one partner actually blames the other for the move itself: "I left because of you," "we had everything there," "why did this have to happen." Especially if one person is forced to leave the country due to political or other pressure, and the other follows, even though they didn't want to.
From a psychological point of view, this is an understandable mechanism. If a person cannot reach the true source of their anger — the regime, circumstances, the system — they often transfer it to the person next to them.
It's easier to be angry at your husband or wife than at something large and unattainable. But for a family, this can be destructive.
In a separate case, Natallia notes, detachment from the old life can, on the contrary, unite the family:
"Emigration can also unite a family more, if the couple feels as if they only have each other. But this doesn't happen very often. Many people don't know how to cooperate."
Illustrative photo: Nasha Niva
What to do if the family is already in crisis
According to Natallia, for many people, emigration does not become a story of quick success. Especially if the move was forced, without guaranteed good work and high qualifications.
"Often, the first generation of emigrants lives not so much for themselves, but so that their children will have more opportunities later. Many emigrant crises are born precisely in the gap between the expectation of a 'new better life' and the reality in which one has to simply stay afloat for years," says the expert.
What to do if the family is already in crisis? Natallia's answer is short but very clear: unite.
"If you're going to fight with someone, it should be with problems, not against each other. As long as the husband and wife argue about who has it harder, who is worse off, who sacrificed more — both lose. Meaning appears only when the couple again begins to perceive themselves as a team. Together, shoulder to shoulder, standing up and fighting for their life, for their happiness — that is the most important thing," says the expert.
The first practical step she advises is to change the way they talk.
It's important not to accuse, but to talk about oneself. Not "you are to blame," but "I can't cope." Not "you are eating me up," but "I am tired." Not "you've annoyed me to death," but "I'm fed up."
According to Natallia, this is precisely the basis of non-violent communication — something without which difficult family conversations almost always devolve into defense, attack, shame, and blame.
"That's the worst thing we can do — accuse and shame. Another important thing is not to compete in suffering, in who has it worse. Because that's a dead end. It's better to approach it this way: we are a family, what can we do in this situation so that it's easier for all of us together?" says Natallia Skibskaya.
According to the psychologist, there are no quick, beautiful solutions in such stories:
"It won't happen that you argue today, talk tomorrow, and find yourself in a new life the day after tomorrow. You need to look not for a miracle, but for a route. Think about what specifically can be changed step by step. For example: how to redistribute the workload, can the amount of work be reduced, is it realistic for the wife to start not full-time but at least a few hours, where to find help with children, what expenses can be reconsidered. Step by step. Slowly. With the understanding that not everything will change in one day."
And, if grievances have accumulated too much, don't try to pull through everything on your own.
"Sometimes it happens that people accumulate such volumes of accusations against each other and grievances that they simply lose the ability to talk. In such a case, it is worth going to a qualified specialist," advises the psychologist.
Natallia specifically emphasizes the value of non-violent communication and advises consciously learning it — through books, practice, conversations. For a family, especially in crisis, this is not "beautiful theory" but a practical survival tool.
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